Caffeine is Detrimental to Your Health
by AmazonTurk
Summary: What happens when Rufus bans all caffeine from the Turks? Nothing good...lots of funny...nothing good. Look! A giraffe! Rated T for swearing.


_**A/N: Two original characters, me and my best friend. :) Yeah, I ran outta coffee this morning.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, Turks, Rufus, or coffee. I do, however, own a coffee maker. But, regrettably, I'M OUT OF COFFEE!!!**_

Katrina went to the break room to get a cup of coffee. It had been a long morning already and she and Kandi were going to be going out on assignment later that afternoon. But right now, she needed a charge.

However, upon inspection of of the break room, there was no coffee.

To her absolute horror, there wasn't even a coffee maker.

There was, however, a message posted to the refridgerator and it read as follows:

_Good Morning.  
As you can clearly see, the coffee maker has been removed. A recent study shows that caffeine is detrimental to one's health and since Turks are required to be in tip top shape, I am hereby forbidding the consumption of coffee, soda, chocolate or anything that contains even the smallest amount of caffeine. There will be random caffeine screenings to ensure complete cooperation in this venture. I trust everyone knows what the consequence would be if my orders are not followed.  
Rufus Shinra_

Katrina stared at the message in horror. "Oh shit!" Turning and running out of the break room, she tore down the hall to her and Kandi's office.

Kandi looked up from her desk in alarm. "What is it?" she asked. "Are we being attacked?!"

"Worse!" Katrina shrieked. "Rufus took the coffee maker!"

Kandi rose to her feet, the color draining from her face. "What? Why, why, why?!"

"Something about caffeine being hazardous to our health and caffeine screenings and he banned chocolate too!"

"That heartless bastard!" Kandi exclaimed. She grabbed Katrina's arm and led her out the door. "Come on. Let's go talk to Tseng."

Tseng studied the message on the fridge. "Hmm," he said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "It's Rufus' signature alright. At least we know it isn't some sort of joke Reno is playing."

"Hey!" Reno piped up, having come it to retrieve his own cup of coffee. "That's a sick joke! I have standards, you know. You don't fuck with a person's coffee!"

Elena was biting her nails. "He expects us to quit cold turkey? I mean, this is going to take some time! Just us six consume at least 30 gallons a day! This is insane! How does he expect us to do our work?! I can't take it! I need coffee!"

Katrina grabbed Elena and slapped her across the face. "Calm down!" she growled. "Hysterics isn't going to solve any of this! We have to be calm and think rationally..."

Elena nodded. "You're right," she said. "I'm sorry."

Katrina slapped her again. "I said calm down, Bitch!" she yelled. She turned to Tseng. "I can't keep her under control! We've got to do something before we all go stark raving mad due to caffeine withdrawal!"

Rude came in just then, mug in hand. "Morning," he said with a nod as he went to where to coffee maker used to be. "Uh, where's the coffee?"

"Fucking Rufus is banning it!" Reno whined.

Elena sunk down on the floor and held her knees to her chest. "This isn't good," she said rocking herself back and forth. "We can't work under these conditions! It's inhumane!"

"Somebody call OSHA!" Kandi cried, tugging at her hair. "This needs to reported as an unsafe environment!"

"Everybody, calm down," Tseng said, his melodical voice meant to soothe them. "We're Turks. We don't need coffee to function. This is probably just a test Rufus is putting us through."

"I'm failing!" Reno said, crawling under the table. "I'm having a sit in, right here, under this table! I refuse to work until there is coffee brewing in this room! Real coffee! No decaf shit!"

"Reno, you never work anyway," Rude said as he finished reading Rufus' message. "Well, how bad could it be?" He glanced at his watch. "It's 9:30 and none of us has had a cup of coffee yet. I'm sure we'll be fine."

9:45 a.m.

"Oh my gods, there's a flying giraffe coming for me!" Kandi shrieked tearing down the hall. She stopped and screamed shaking her jacket out. "It's on me! Get it off! Get it off!"

10:00 a.m.

Elena stuck her thumb in her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

10:30 a.m.

BANG!

"Son of a bitch!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"I'll kill you!"

Tseng ran into Kandi and Katrina's office to see Katrina aiming her gun at the wall.

"Katrina, what the hell is going on?"

"That FLY is buzzing!" she snapped, following the insect with her firearm.

"Katrina, put the gun down," Tseng said calmly.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click!

"Goddammit!"

Tseng slowly backed out of the office as she loaded another clip into her gun.

11:15 a.m.

Reno is still sitting under the table. He's taken all the napkins, paper towels, and other paper products in the kitchen and has started a fire in the garbage can and placed it in from of him. He has his jacket off, rejecting the "symbol of oppression" and has his shirt tied around his head. His feet are bare and he's sitting crossed legged singing.

"We shall overcome! We shall overcome! We shall overcome! We shall overcome, overcome, overcome! Fight the power!"

12:00 p.m.

Rude pops his 20th Advil.

12:05 p.m.

Rude pops his 24th Advil.

12:30 p.m.

"HELP ME! The giraffe recruitted the hippo and now they are trying to mate to make a long necked fat assed animal breed to EAT ME!!!!"

12:45 p.m.

Elena rummages in her desk drawers, eyes swollen from crying, thumb red from sucking until she produces the object she desires. Sticking the pacifier in her mouth, she curls up on the floor and sobs.

1:15 p.m.

"Where the hell did that damn bug go?" Katrina asked, weapon drawn as she stomped down the hall. "We need a goddamn exterminator in here! I hate my fucking job!"

1:30 p.m.

Reno added his jacket and shirt and pants into the fire. Still sitting under the table he began to preach.

"I have a dream! That one day, black coffee and white cream will come together to form a bond of brown goodness! All the people will drink the brown goodness and add the sugar to make the heavenly nector! And we shall say as we drink our beverage that we are free at last, free at last, great Odin almighty, we're free at last!"

1:35 p.m.

Rude opened his third bottle of Advil and took half of the pills inside.

1:45 p.m.

Tseng stormed out of his office and gathered his Turks. "Follow me," he ordered calmly.

Reno grabbed his fire, Elena sucked harder on her pacifier, Kandi shrieked that the giraffapotamus was eating her ass, Katrina kept an alert eye out for the fly and Rude popped Advil's like M & Ms.

Tseng stopped in the break room and grabbed Rufus' message then continued leading the way to the president's office. Without so much as a knock, he barged into the office and slammed the message on Rufus' desk.

"Give us the coffee maker and the coffee, NOW," the black haired Wutain ordered.

Rufus leaned back in his chair and smirked. "No," he said. "I am saving you from yourselves. One day, you will thank me."

Tseng smiled a very calm, very unnerving smile before raising to his full height and removing his pistol. "Caffeine is detrimental to your health," he told him. "Especially when you keep it from your BODYGUARDS!"

The others pulled their pistols out and aimed at Rufus. "Coffee," Elena sobbed. "Mommy, coffee!"

"Fight the power!" Reno chimed in.

"That fucking fly is on Rufus' head!"

"The giraffapotomus told me I should kill Rufus and the coffee is in his liver."

"I'm out of fucking Advil."

Rufus reached under his desk and produced the coffee maker and coffee. "Enjoy," he said, his face pale.

Tseng snatched the sacred articles and nodded curtly. Leading the way to the breakroom, he quickly brewed a pot of the holy brew.

Within fifteen minutes, the Turks' day finally started.

**_A/N: I wanna be a Turk!!!_**


End file.
